Not what I thought
Updated: Apr 10, 2020
This Thansgiving I finished writing a book, and since I’ve never written one before I suppose I really didn’t know what to expect. I thought it would be a feeling of exhilaration having finally done it. Especially after 30 years or more of saying I wanted to write a book.
It wasn’t like that. I wrote about a devastating breakup experience that cause my fingers to move across the keys of my laptop incessantly for nearly three weeks straight. I could hardly stop. I could hardly sleep. I could hardly eat.
It was a catharsis for more than I understood while writing about it. It took me into a depth that I had no choice but to submerge in for that time.Then I came up learning and growing even more to understand love.
The completion on that Thanksgiving morning was highly emotional and the thought I had was okay this is done. You can come back now Ren. I knew that was never going to happen. It’s not a good situation for me. I mourned on and off the whole day.
It was final, the end. The book was done, for real. What happened to the perceived exhilaration? What about, "Damn girl you finally did it." All I felt was sad because regardless of all the healing, catharsis and forgiveness, I still loved him very much and I missed us. Evidently, that is going to take more time.
While with my family for our festivities, I shared my success at finishing the book. They were blown away that I had written a book and wanted to know what it was about. When I told my daughters, my oldest said she wanted to read it. That was a shock because she says she hates to read.
My daughters were with me when the breakup occurred. So, they witnessed me in one of the most vulnerable times of my life. I think it’s good for teenagers to see their mom as a human being with feelings and not just in the role of mom.
Shortly after the breakup, they were so cute when they said that in the movies after breakups people eat ice cream and chocolate. I assured them that has happened in my past many times, and it only put on the pounds and made me feel worse.
It’s been a couple of days since I finished the book and I can acknowledge my accomplishment but not with the fanfare I might have imagined. I sit with humility more so knowing that there is so much depth to the human experience. Time to write about that in my next book.
~ Chantie Valinttine